with renee everything is complicated, overcomplicated perhaps by how similar they are. they both have tendencies to be stubborn and think they know better about how things go, so when they don't see eye-to-eye, they tend to butt heads, and even when they do they butt heads over who's in control. kanaya's distrustful of authority already as something she sees as condescending to her independence, and renee, she is very much an authority. kanaya can deal with authority when it's distant, hands-off and gentle, more leading and suggesting. but renee's a very firm hand that doesn't let her get away with much and doesn't give in to being wrong when kanaya thinks she is, so in a way she's experiencing her teenage rebellious years in a way that she never got the chance to.
and the fact that it could fit that role so easily is something she absolutely hates. between the weird pseudo-uncle she had as a kid who she'd convinced herself was just a figment of her imagination until he came back ten years later to reveal himself as a cosmic con artist, and her giant moth mom being dead, and her ancestor being a ghost, she doesn't have a good track record on parental figures. she thinks she's at the point in her life where she's too old for a mother, she's supposed to be a mother. the way renee has become inserted into her life undermines that, so she tries to find ways to undermine renee's authority as often as she can.
one of these ways is through exchange, she doesn't want to give unless she's getting in return. it's her way of even the field, making sure they're playing on the same level. when renee pushes, she doesn't budge, though she's been hesitant so far to push back. she wants to be her friend and not her subordinate, so she'd be hesitant to take a job with the police even before their most recent fight, it would give renee an edge in their war of control.
because control is so important to kanaya, keeping control of herself, control of her situation, and she's lost so much of the second recently that she's still scrambling to get back, so fighting renee over it isn't something she has any patience for. she wants to trust her and she wants to be trusted by her, but it's such a sisyphean thing to maintain that she can't help wondering if putting some distance between them would be better. she isn't quite to that point yet, and it's not like she's ever been good at making decisions anyway, especially for cutting people off, but it's on her mind.
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with renee everything is complicated, overcomplicated perhaps by how similar they are. they both have tendencies to be stubborn and think they know better about how things go, so when they don't see eye-to-eye, they tend to butt heads, and even when they do they butt heads over who's in control. kanaya's distrustful of authority already as something she sees as condescending to her independence, and renee, she is very much an authority. kanaya can deal with authority when it's distant, hands-off and gentle, more leading and suggesting. but renee's a very firm hand that doesn't let her get away with much and doesn't give in to being wrong when kanaya thinks she is, so in a way she's experiencing her teenage rebellious years in a way that she never got the chance to.
and the fact that it could fit that role so easily is something she absolutely hates. between the weird pseudo-uncle she had as a kid who she'd convinced herself was just a figment of her imagination until he came back ten years later to reveal himself as a cosmic con artist, and her giant moth mom being dead, and her ancestor being a ghost, she doesn't have a good track record on parental figures. she thinks she's at the point in her life where she's too old for a mother, she's supposed to be a mother. the way renee has become inserted into her life undermines that, so she tries to find ways to undermine renee's authority as often as she can.
one of these ways is through exchange, she doesn't want to give unless she's getting in return. it's her way of even the field, making sure they're playing on the same level. when renee pushes, she doesn't budge, though she's been hesitant so far to push back. she wants to be her friend and not her subordinate, so she'd be hesitant to take a job with the police even before their most recent fight, it would give renee an edge in their war of control.
because control is so important to kanaya, keeping control of herself, control of her situation, and she's lost so much of the second recently that she's still scrambling to get back, so fighting renee over it isn't something she has any patience for. she wants to trust her and she wants to be trusted by her, but it's such a sisyphean thing to maintain that she can't help wondering if putting some distance between them would be better. she isn't quite to that point yet, and it's not like she's ever been good at making decisions anyway, especially for cutting people off, but it's on her mind.