holy shit this got long and is this even coherent SORRY FOR TL;DR AT 6AM
That recent tag where Gil perceives Kenzi as being in the light and him as someone stuck in the darkness is essentially how he views them both. Kenzi has done so much for him and though he's returned some of those favours, his personality and tendency to sell himself short has convinced himself he has not repaid her what he owes. He never can, as far as he's concerned; in spite of whatever flaws she has, they are nothing in comparison to his and he can never be like her, part of which he envies and another part makes him feel at times he never deserved someone like her in the first place. The worst part, honestly? They haven't touched on other key events that have made him feel ashamed and continue to damage his self-worth. He's a terrible person, with a terrible darkness and to him, Kenzi is the opposite. It's not that her words haven't reached him or that she hasn't done a lot for his sanity, it's just... terrible canon hang ups he can't and won't let go of. Even if Oz were here, he needs to go through certain motions back home to finally accept who he is.
And okay, that was TL;DR on him, BUT it is relevant to Kenzi's importance. He's had plenty of friends between here and C&C, but she's been a constant. She may tease and do terrible things, but she's stood by his side since. In many ways they're different and in many they're similar. However, Kenzi has a certain free spirit and life she can fall back on whenever she wants, something Gil doesn't feel he has and it's another aspect he both admires, but envies. He wants to join the people he cares about in the light, but he's so entrenched in is own darkness it's almost impossible for him.
She's his most important person in game, no contest. He has others he cares about, but Kenzi has been through so much and remained so strong and his natural tendency to shield those he cares about from harm kicks in often with her. She deserves many good things, there is no argument from him there. She's strong, she's funny, she's silly at times, but that's alright; it's all a part of what makes her who she is and he wouldn't change it for the world despite their quarrels. (He would probably just want her to be a better cook and clean up after herself, lbr.)
Occasionally, he's aware of the massive hypocrite he's being when he shuts down after something has hurt or frightened him, but when Kenzi does it there's an urgency to do something about it. He knows he's shit with words and gestures, yet he can't stand seeing her hurt. Seeing her cry? It throws him off and he feels horribly useless and guilt-ridden he can't do something for her when she needs it. He's still not dealing with her death well, for reasons pertaining to canon (Elliot, Oz's incuse) and others, like the complicated feelings he's not well too aware of.
He doesn't know a thing about romance, though Nelson and Sharon have made attempts to nudge him into being more independent and doing things for himself because of the borrowed time they all live on. He simply doesn't understand it and while Nelson has been more upfront about it, Gil's not the type to initiate if he was aware of what those feelings meant. For many reasons, such as Oz being on a pedestal to his extremely low self-confidence and worth. As I said earlier: Kenzi deserves only good things and he is "not" a good person. (Also old-fashioned thinking such as her being "promised to Hale".) He would rather hurt himself first than hurt her.
It's a similar struggle he has with Oz. He needs to be the best servant he can be for his master while simultaneously nursing the belief he can't. He wants to be as good a person for Kenzi, but he "can't" be because of past failures and ongoing fears. He sets himself up for a lot of heartache, which is why he would tell himself she deserves so much better than a lowly, good for nothing man like him.
Yet in spite of all these complicated feelings, he enjoys being with her when he isn't wrestling with them. It's been a strange adventure with her so far, but he wouldn't change it for the world. When he tearing himself down or trying to face his demons, Kenzi is this warm and kind woman to be around and that's enough for him to appreciate.
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That recent tag where Gil perceives Kenzi as being in the light and him as someone stuck in the darkness is essentially how he views them both. Kenzi has done so much for him and though he's returned some of those favours, his personality and tendency to sell himself short has convinced himself he has not repaid her what he owes. He never can, as far as he's concerned; in spite of whatever flaws she has, they are nothing in comparison to his and he can never be like her, part of which he envies and another part makes him feel at times he never deserved someone like her in the first place. The worst part, honestly? They haven't touched on other key events that have made him feel ashamed and continue to damage his self-worth. He's a terrible person, with a terrible darkness and to him, Kenzi is the opposite. It's not that her words haven't reached him or that she hasn't done a lot for his sanity, it's just... terrible canon hang ups he can't and won't let go of. Even if Oz were here, he needs to go through certain motions back home to finally accept who he is.
And okay, that was TL;DR on him, BUT it is relevant to Kenzi's importance. He's had plenty of friends between here and C&C, but she's been a constant. She may tease and do terrible things, but she's stood by his side since. In many ways they're different and in many they're similar. However, Kenzi has a certain free spirit and life she can fall back on whenever she wants, something Gil doesn't feel he has and it's another aspect he both admires, but envies. He wants to join the people he cares about in the light, but he's so entrenched in is own darkness it's almost impossible for him.
She's his most important person in game, no contest. He has others he cares about, but Kenzi has been through so much and remained so strong and his natural tendency to shield those he cares about from harm kicks in often with her. She deserves many good things, there is no argument from him there. She's strong, she's funny, she's silly at times, but that's alright; it's all a part of what makes her who she is and he wouldn't change it for the world despite their quarrels. (He would probably just want her to be a better cook and clean up after herself, lbr.)
Occasionally, he's aware of the massive hypocrite he's being when he shuts down after something has hurt or frightened him, but when Kenzi does it there's an urgency to do something about it. He knows he's shit with words and gestures, yet he can't stand seeing her hurt. Seeing her cry? It throws him off and he feels horribly useless and guilt-ridden he can't do something for her when she needs it. He's still not dealing with her death well, for reasons pertaining to canon (Elliot, Oz's incuse) and others, like the complicated feelings he's not well too aware of.
He doesn't know a thing about romance, though Nelson and Sharon have made attempts to nudge him into being more independent and doing things for himself because of the borrowed time they all live on. He simply doesn't understand it and while Nelson has been more upfront about it, Gil's not the type to initiate if he was aware of what those feelings meant. For many reasons, such as Oz being on a pedestal to his extremely low self-confidence and worth. As I said earlier: Kenzi deserves only good things and he is "not" a good person. (Also old-fashioned thinking such as her being "promised to Hale".) He would rather hurt himself first than hurt her.
It's a similar struggle he has with Oz. He needs to be the best servant he can be for his master while simultaneously nursing the belief he can't. He wants to be as good a person for Kenzi, but he "can't" be because of past failures and ongoing fears. He sets himself up for a lot of heartache, which is why he would tell himself she deserves so much better than a lowly, good for nothing man like him.
Yet in spite of all these complicated feelings, he enjoys being with her when he isn't wrestling with them. It's been a strange adventure with her so far, but he wouldn't change it for the world. When he tearing himself down or trying to face his demons, Kenzi is this warm and kind woman to be around and that's enough for him to appreciate.