Some things are best kept secret.

[restingstitchface]

The Headcanon Meme

I. Post with your character. If you've got a bunch, consider doing a catch-all under one header.

II. Poke other characters with questions. Ask about their childhood, crushes, their thoughts on game events. Anything you can imagine.

III. Answer questions people have left for you with your headcanon, or canon if it's been covered there.

IV. Feel free to go into as much or as little detail as you want.

Comments

[rathercommon]

What's her attitude towards herself? Does she think of herself as good?

I'M SO SORRY

[deadtective]

Ohhh gosh. Hazel's attitude towards herself is pretty much a huge trainwreck, haha.

A lot of the time Hazel comes across as really self-confident through a mixture of loud bluffing and the fact she charges ahead without thinking so often it just leads one to assume she must really believe in her decision making skills. But underneath that (and not all that far beneath, either) there's a roiling cauldron of insecurities and a lot of self-loathing.

In her own world, Hazel has been told by nearly everyone she's encountered that she's an embarrassing and ugly mistake; because she more or less agreed with the sentiment to begin with, she's really taken all of those comments to heart even as she derides the people making them for being absolutely horrible. She's acutely aware that not only is her body not her own anymore, but it serves as a physical reminder that she is no longer human - she has a really hard time looking at herself from the neck down, even now, and avoids mirrors as much as she can.

Not only does she feel very keenly that she's a complete abomination, she also feels like her life is worth less than nothing. The knowledge that she can't die no matter what she does alongside the fact that she essentially has no future once she's returned to her own world contribute to her incredible recklessness - but it also comes to play in emotional situations as well.

She'll keep really fucking important things from the people she cares about because she doesn't feel like her well-being is important enough to mention; for example a while back Josuke blew up at her because she failed to mention that she'd had several limbs ripped off in a public confrontation with the Hornet crazed!Kaneki and then was blackmailed by someone else the same day.

The reticence also comes from the fact that Hazel has essentially put expiration dates on all of her friendships. She knows that if none of them are sent home in a timely manner, eventually she is going to outlive everyone she loves. Rather than suffer through both a crushing loss and watching people's lives move on without her (where she cannot follow because of her ceased aging) she's decided to do what she always does in the face of her own problems: run.

She's decided that if her friends and herself are still in this world in four or five years, she's going to cut off all contact with them and do her best to disappear from their lives. Because of that, she wants the time she has with them now to be full of nothing but happy memories, so she tries her utmost to keep her own problems bottled up tightly.

All of this (and more, I could keep going fdhjk) makes the question of whether she considers herself 'good' a complicated one. Even with all her issues Hazel doesn't think of herself as evil and is quick to denounce people who are truly awful, especially when they do things to others that she herself has suffered through.

But at the same time, she often uses herself as this bottom of the barrel sort of measurement when it comes to anything, but especially morality. She's felt kind of adrift ethics-wise ever since her resurrection, struggling with the fact that she no longer fits into either the supernatural or human world and thus can't really be bound by their laws. She only has her own conscience to guide her, and that uncertainty is why she seems kind of out of control a lot of the time.

She'll say that she feels like she isn't possibly as terrible as the world seems to think it is, given her luck, and while this is a lot truer than even she realizes it's not strictly what Hazel really believes? Because while she can admit she's probably, like, decent, she refuses to call herself good or a hero.

To her, a good person would have recognized that she's a thing that should never have existed, a blight on the world, and would have either sought out someone to kill her or ripped herself apart. Instead she's so desperate to live that she'll even cling desperately to this existence she can barely call life, and that's really what it comes down to. She's 'alive', so she can't possibly be a good person.

In reality she's a super selfless and compassionate girl, but all of the good things she does get written off or excused - her favorite is that she's simply doing them because there is no one else in her unique position that could have. She wants to come off as a lot more disaffected than she actually is, because the horror of her situation is sometimes too much when she allows herself to care to her full extent.