etcelsior | CONFESSIONS MEME

Considering some of her last words to me were 'promise me you won't torture yourself'? I'm guessin' she'd be exhausted with my inability to move the fuck on already. I tried. I thought - I thought hauling the people responsible in, making them face legal recourse for what they did, I thought that'd be the key. That I'd do it and be able to get on with my life once the score was even and the danger was off the streets. But...

[But when it was all said and done it felt, if anything, worse than ever. There was no future, no goals to achieve, no one to turn to, absolutely nothing left when he was done. He had found himself alone, agonizing, angry and out of ways to get back at people. The one person he wanted to get back at most, hated most, was himself for not somehow keeping her safe.

Emily had known he wouldn't last without her, but even at her request, even to save himself, he couldn't let her go.]

[Nike couldn't help allow a bittersweet smile appear on her lips as she says.]

Good job in helping getting those responsible off the street. I'm sure she'd be able to rest more peacefully at the thought they won't return to harm you or anyone else again.

[Revenge wasn't an issue she ran away from. She was a vengeful person in her own right. She only hopes he didn't kill them. But, at the same time, she won't pry over that detail as she rather believe in the positives to his success.]

Moving on is tough. I don't blame you for not doing that just yet. All I can say is to give it time. Everyone is different. There's no shame in being unable to let go. [All said softly until a determine frown appear as she points at him.] However, you are in no way allowed to get yourself killed any time soon! You need to live as her legacy! I bet Emily would never forgive you if you just gave up on life and allow others to do whatever they want with you. I know I wouldn't forgive Livius if he ever decided to fall back on his old ways too! I'll haunt him and bring him to hell if he ever tries!

[With that said, she will smile a bit again.]

So do your best here! I know I'll be keeping an eye on you. No way in hell I'm letting any of my friends die without giving their all to survive!

They're all staring down long prison sentences. Plus some grievous injuries, but I didn't inflict those. A skirmish broke out between the two gangs and I didn't have time, ability or interest in stopping it.

[It sounds cruel, but at the time he'd just been panicking. A locked down building with a gunfight going on, on both floors, and him in the basement? He was only human, he cut and ran and let things shake out however they shook out.]

I got here three weeks after she died. All I remember is the investigation, and feeling tired, and getting into fights. I never got to see the funeral or listen to our song - yeah, laugh it up, we were one of those cheesy couples that had one, sue me - or even talk to her parents. I - I wake up sometimes thinking it's back before any of this happened. When it hits me it feels like someone took a knife and scraped my heart raw.

I dunno how to be anybody's legacy. I don't even know how to be alone decently. Nobody I cared about ever died before. Might as well ask me to go catch the moon for all I know about this. Probably'd have a better chance of success, too.

I don't think there's anything cheesy over having a song. It's kinda sweet, actually.

[All said sincerely as she can't help remember the half rainbow engagement ring Livius and her share. That could be considered more sappy than a simple song, right?]

Then consider it a learning experience. There's a first time for everything. All the more reason to be...unsure over the best way to react to it all. You don't have to know anything nor everything. What's most important is to live your life the best way you can, even if you never once did so before. Think about Emily -- remember her likes and dislikes, and try your best from there. I'm sure she doesn't expect perfection from you in the slightest.

It would get me laughed outta the room back home if I admitted it. Especially because Em and I would sing bits of it at each other. As stupid as it sounds, when she did it, it was magic. Worse, it's really prophetic in hindsight. I tried listening to it once here and couldn't make it past a minute in.

Oh, she didn't expect perfection, or else she never would've dated me. Or Dode, the guy she dated in the time where we were broken up. She had this way of finding the good in people and giving them the benefit of the doubt when others wouldn't that made guys wanna try to do better for her. I never had anyone believe in me before her. People here treat me decent, but it feels wrong. I don't feel like I really deserve it.

See, I was pretty sure I was gonna die, towards the end of bringing in the people that killed her. I planned to. I was okay with it, 'cause it was for her.

That's kinda rude! Why would they? [Other than jealousy, she figures, but right now she wasn't all that interested in other people.] What was the name of the song?

[She'll continue to listen, learning about his end game, which she is glad didn't happen all things considered, but it was clear he was beyond lost without his goal or wife by his side.]

Well, that is an issue you'll have to work on especially after arriving here where you'll have people treating you well and a future. A lot of people may be able to relate too. Once you decide to talk more about it. Which may be a good idea because doing that does help. Even if for a bit. I bet Emily would definitely want you to do all of the above too. Just take your time with it because three months ago...is still a pretty recent thing.

'Cause it's considered cliche and trite and stupid. [He's not going to pretend it didn't grate on him, but neither did he defend himself in front of other guys back home. He hadn't cared enough to. If Emily liked it, then as far as he was concerned that was the only important thing.] Hair Lockets, by Nicole Dollanganger. Morbid in retrospect, but I swear it was sweet at the time.

Y'know, my housemate told me I should talk to someone? He has some of the bare bones of what happened, since I'm loose-lipped when I'm drunk and I make poor life choices. He didn't really seem to know who I should talk to, though he also agreed it was a fresh wound. I always thought, whenever I read books, that grieving for years sounded counter-intuitive and pathetic. I sort of get it now. It's still pathetic, but it's not easy to get out of, either.

I believe you. I've never heard of those songs before, so I wouldn't know of the type of music they are other than you and Emily's love song. [As for him saying it is considered cliche, trite, and stupid.] Wait until they find their own "Emily". I bet they'll do even more cliche things than you guys did. [Since it usually works that way all thing considering.]

Emotions have a way of making us feel that way: vulnerable. I don't think it should be considered weak unless you don't grow from the experience by allowing your fears to get the better of you. As far as I can tell, you have potential to grow as a stronger person since you're already acknowledging the problem instead of ignoring it. [As for his roommate's advice.] Your roommate is right in having suggested that: finding someone to talk to about this. I think you should find someone you feel comfortable with and in turn are willing to hear you out too. This sort of thing is heavy and not many people are capable of being the rock you need, but I know they are out there.

It's... it's a song about a girl who keeps bits of her boyfriend's hair in a locket so if he dies, she'll always have a piece of him she can keep close. [Which was a bit of an offputting concept to some people, but to Brendan and Emily it had sounded sweet, at the time. Now it was a bitter thing to hear. He'd always assumed that he would be the one more likely to get offed. That was how his luck had always run. The idea of Emily dying had never occurred to him. And he didn't even have a locket with her hair to hold onto in the aftermath.]

I ignore it more often than I should. Sometimes it's just too much to deal with so I just distract myself with anything I can. That way it doesn't feel like the world ended. But much as I've been thinkin' about getting someone to talk to, actually finding someone is harder than it sounds. How do I know I won't overload whoever I tell it all too? Other people have problems and struggles, too, y'know?

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