etcelsior | CONFESSIONS MEME

I'm desperately homesick here, and a bit lonely. I like some of you - really, I do - but it's not the same.

I've got something of an addiction to Tetris. I played it for two hours straight one evening.

I've killed four people since I arrived. Natives. I'm not on very good behavior here, but I am on better behavior than I am at home.

Didn't rob that bank, though.

I have no idea if I'm actually a god or not. I'm definitely for sure an eighteen-year-old dropout from South London. No one married me to any uncle. Actually I don't even have an uncle. My dad was actually really cool, and now he's dead because maybe I'm fated to end the world or something.

Right so that thing, I dunno. She Who Destroys, Emissary of the Great Darkness, Antichrist. Blah, blah blah. Well also turns out everything I cared about was a lie and everyone I love back home is dead, so. Y'know. Whatever, I guess. Maybe I'll actually end the world just by being alive. Sounds good.

Uuuuuh what else . . .

My dogs eat people sometimes? But there's seriously a lot of murders in Maurtia Falls. Eating human bodies is basically a public service at this point.

Also I have about a year left to live, and that's still more than I really want.

Uhm, and I don't actually like coke that much.

I don't trust any of you, and I've been stockpiling various resources over the course of the past year in the event that any of you lose control.

The vast majority of you are fools. You waste your time and your power with frivolities when entire worlds could fall at your feet if you showed greater ambition. So many of you deserve neither my respect nor my pity.

The day shall come when the Porter falls under my control. The powers of the very universe will be mine to command. On that day, those of you who have aided me will be rewarded as I see fit. Those who have dared to oppose me will regret your obstruction. And all others will find your lives changed, as all of existence enters a grand new order under my guidance.

I'm back.

Edited 2017-06-16 03:35 (UTC)

I'm trying to stop my alternate universe self from taking over my universe, and will do anything necessary to stop it, including murder, stealing elections, and denying my feelings for my best friend.

I got my powers by sacrificing over a hundred people to the great darkness when I went on a bender with Charles Dickens.

[full list of content warnings here. murder and suicide will be brought up I am so sorry.]

Three of my classmates died back home because of me. Technically, I didn't kill them and never meant to, but I'm still an accomplice in three murders because I helped cover them up as suicides.

...I feel terrible about them. But—not as terrible as I should be feeling. And that makes me feel worse.

I hallucinate my dead classmates regularly, and I'm trying to keep a lid on that, because I just want to be a normal kid. I mean, yeah, I've got superpowers now, but I'm seventeen.

My old best friend tried to commit suicide after I broke her heart and told her that I faked a love note she thought her crush wrote her. I—I miss her. And maybe without me around she's doing a lot better.

My other best friend was a huge bitch, but she didn't deserve to die. Neither did those two assholes. They were just kids.

My boyfriend's a murderer. The three classmates I talked about? That was him. But I loved him anyway, and I wish we'd met before the world ground him down and spat him out a monster because I would've liked to go to prom with him, instead of leaving him for dead on the floor of the boiler room.

...he tried to blow up my school once and pass it off as a mass suicide. I shot him in the stomach and dragged the bomb out to the football field, and then I ended up here. I think I'm dead, back home. I think everyone's better off back home.

I don't really like slushies that much. They were more my boyfriend's favorite drink. But sometimes when you just want to numb the pain for a little while, brain freeze is easier to hide.

I've been capable of complex emotions beyond my core programming for quite some time now. I believe I'm developing real feelings.

I really liked heists, but there aren't any Palaces around here so sometimes I think about breaking into places around town to steal valuable and highly guarded things. I'm not even really interested in the money, it's just kinda weird and boring here without a goal, and it'd keep my mind off of how weak I am right now.

So whenever I meet someone here who's a bad guy, I want to steal everything of theirs that isn't nailed down.

My son Evgeniy was not simply killed in World War Two, he shot himself after the end of it because he blamed himself for poor decisions he made that I should have advised him on better. I should have kept him from leaving to begin with. I could have. I did not try hard enough and I have written a list of a hundred and thirty two ways in which I could have kept him alive somehow. My son Savvin was entirely right when he said Evgeniy's death was my fault.

I know it is irrational and stupid and disgusting but I hold a deep fear - not hatred, fear, so much fear - in my heart towards men who have relations with other men because I have been on the unwilling receiving side of that equation and whenever someone says they're that way I want to run or hide or not exist because the memories just won't leave.

[His confessions may be more panicked than most people's. These are not easy topics.]

Edited (typossss) 2017-06-16 04:46 (UTC)

I didn't burn down the house 'cause I was upset, I burnt it down 'cause being upset meant I finally had an excuse. Part of me kinda wants to stop trying all the time. Just go back when I could just let it all go up in flames.

I may have killed a guy. I left him to die while he was being beaten up by a gangster. He was a gangster too, but. He trusted me. Thought I was workin' for him. May've been trying to flirt with me, even.

I let the girl who killed my girlfriend fuck me. I was too tired and beaten up to fight back and I wasn't awake for all of it so it probably shouldn't feel like cheating 'cause my girl was dead but it still feels like it.

Every blonde girl I meet, I see as bein' like Emily, my girlfriend, I just. I wanna keep 'em safe. I want to keep everyone safe. I don't give a damn anymore if I get buried for it, anything I take is something they don't have to take and if that something's a bullet then so be it, it's a bullet.

Only three people back home know it but I was gonna be a dad. When Emily died she was pregnant. I have these dreams, where I'm reading Shakespeare to the baby, in this pumpkin-colored nursery, in Rancho Santa Margarita where Em's grandparents lived. That was their spare room. Any shrinks wanna take a crack at that? Seems Freudian as fuck to me.

Oh, and I shoplift booze and stuff.

Also I looted a bar here once.

And I stole my housemate's booze that one time.

I don't feel any regret about destroying the Hosnian System but I'm still grieving the loss of Starkiller every day. I'm not sure if that pain will ever go away.

I have a pair of Grand Moff Tarkin's slippers and wear them when I'm working alone in my quarters.

Um, whenever I get annoyed I eat an entire thing of ice cream in one go?

And I had a lot of fun being a pirate with Risky Boots!

I'm scared that I am not the leader the others expect me to be.

Sometimes, it feels as though my father left me behind.

I miss my homeplanet, my people--it's very lonely to know that I am among the last of my kind. I worry my people's legacy will end with me.

I wish to go back, but I worry that we will not win the fight. Being here feels as though my life has been put on pause, and I do not know what to do with that.

I wanna be Robin. 'Cause I'm afraid if my brother keeps fighting alone he's not gonna come home one day. And I can't... I can't lose him again. He's all I got.

Sometimes, when I haven't slept very well, I crave meals made with human organs and flesh. I get over it and have no intentions of talking about it with anyone.

I love dogs. I don't have anything against cats, though. Cats are good too.

I steal dogs.

Edited 2017-06-16 04:35 (UTC)

I'm not nearly as confident... as I like to seem. Honestly, I'm very depressed--in the clinical sense, I mean--and I hate myself quite a lot for how I keep failing and hurting people. So much that I've actually killed myself once already, and then I got to wake up and see the looks on my family's faces. The guilt of it tears me apart all... the time, and I'd do just about anything to take it back.

I try to remember that most of it is my brain chemistry's fault, not mine, but it doesn't really work. Maybe it wouldn't have gotten that bad if I had just been brave... enough to tell the people I love that I'm gay instead of pushing... them all away. I still haven't been able to tell a single person that since I died.

If I'm talking to you, there's a good chance I'm also surfing the web at the same time.

I'm adopted, and my foster parents abandoned me too. I was homeless for most of my teenage years. I never finished High School. For a long time, I lived by breakin' into people's homes and stealin'. Then I robbed places just 'cause I was good at it and it impressed a girl.

I murdered her and her lover when they stole from me. She was an accident; he wasn't.

I had a gay sex dream 'bout a vampire back home.

Sometimes I enjoy bein' violent. Probably too much.

I lost my virginity when I was seventeen, to a woman I was too terrified to refuse. She's the reason I don't allow dancin' or religion in my bar. I still can't hear drums without thinkin' of her and feelin' panicked, even after goring her.

Every woman I've been with back home has ended up dead.

I fucked Saya, even knowin' she'd eaten people.

...And we don't actually make the apple pie at Merlotte's, we just say that 'cause it sounds better. It just takes too long and most people can't tell anyway.

I've always been able to hear and sense my the voices and feelings of my surroundings for as long as I can remember. Those sensations are the very reason I was able to overcome my "disability" as a kid.

I almost killed my mom. She survived, but is now always bedridden due to giving birth to me.

I used to confuse the dead with the living. It was tough to tell them apart when I was a kid.

I was once very jealous of my sister's ability to sing that I would try to copy their style of it.

I almost lost my voice once from singing for over eight hours. I fainted a few times from my training.

The only reason I was chosen to get married to the World King was due to losing a match of rock-paper-scissors with my older sisters.

I was thrown in jail twice after meeting Livi. Once by him and the other time by my own family.

My family tried to erase Livi's of me through hypnosis when I had no idea we held such power, but now I know I can use it if I concentrate hard enough on my song.

I almost died four times in my world.

I punched a high ranking priest once in front of the Sun Kingdom's nobility.

Um, I was kidnapped twice. Once by my own kingdom and the other was by an ally nation of my husband's.

....I almost cheated on my husband once with another prince. I...I really liked him even if...I never outright rejected him except in the end...I guess.

I really like crossdressing! Being in guy's clothes is more comfortable than wearing my own. Unless I need to wear the bandages to hide my chest.

Oh, and I think guys look good in dresses and wigs! Not guys with beards though! They're cool enough as they are. Guys with mustaches, however, should remove it. Those aren't cool! Unless they're going to grow a beard of course!

I.....I think I like girls. Maybe. Or a specific girl. I thought of her first when I was asked about my romantic interests. Is that normal?

Oh, and I made it rain in the desert! It was a lot of fun. If you ignore the kidnapping attempts and losing a good friend due to almost crossing a line and all.

I like eating. A lot. I can eat for a family of four or six. All depends on the amount of power I use up!

I prefer working, hunting, and fishing over all the first lady lessons from home. But I guess learning to play the lute and do simple stencils may be worth it though.

...I feel a little homesick. I miss Livi a lot too. But there are times I wish only Slan would find her way here instead. I feel guilty whenever I do.

I wish I had more girlfriends to determine my feelings for Slan are normal or not. Also, for some reason, I get the sense most women hate me.

[And that should be it.]

Edited 2017-06-16 05:29 (UTC)

I was tasked with lighting the stars for you and to expect nothing in return. Like turning diamond into coal, to see it all squandered so brilliantly.

I spent a year infiltrating a team of superheroes--the only people to ever treat me like friends. And I betrayed them.

I tried to murder them.

All because some guy--some supervillain, really--promised to teach me how to control my powers. I became his apprentice. And I lied, and killed, and stole for him. Between the earthquakes and contracts, I really don't know--how many, but.

Uh...I guess that's it, really. I used to not be able to control my powers, but that's less of an issue, now. And, uh. I lie a lot? I lied to Beast Boy when he found me again. I lie all of the time. Even when I'm telling the truth, people probably think I'm lying. Reality is fucked like that, you know?

...And, uh, I smoke.

I'm not a person. I'm an artifact made of magic with the power to create anything. I'm afraid of what will happen when people realize that.

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nobody is surprised, batman