etcelsior | CONFESSIONS MEME

[There was a lot to take in by listening to all of his confessions. So many things to say, but there was only one topic she seems to be very focused on.]

I'm sorry for your losses. I really am. Even if it isn't much, but... [All the same she does mean it.]

It's not nothing, [he points out quietly.] I... I'm not over it. Losing them, I mean. So don't feel bad about being sorry. I am too. Emily woulda been a great mom... you know, in my world, they can do ultrasounds to see if the baby's a boy or a girl? Turns out I was gonna have a daughter. Em wanted to name her Blythe, after her grandmother. It's. It's a good name.

[He doesn't cry, but his voice wavers dangerously.]

They can! That's a thing!?

[She is amazed at hearing about this because holy fuck future. Too bad her amazement will not last for very long as she continues to listen to his story.]

She sounds like a really wonderful person. You're speaking of her with so much care and affection that I can't imagine her being anything else. I'm really glad you got the chance to meet her.

[A slight pause.]

...how did you two meet, by any chance? ...if it's okay to ask, that is.

Yep. It's easier the further along the pregnancy is, but they can do it pretty early on some women, if the baby's developing well.

We met at school when we were twelve. She and I were the only middle school kids smart enough to take high school level English courses, so walked the same route at the start of the day from our first-period high school class back to the middle school. We started talking whenever we'd walk, and we ended up having to be partners for assignments when nobody else wanted to work with us because we were younger. We were really set on proving everybody wrong, making sure we got top grades, but more than that, I never had anybody to talk to about all the books I liked before, or the movies I loved, or other things like how damn lonely it got in my house and how scared I was I'd end up another San Clemente drug addict like other kids our age. After a while we started walking home together, it was partially the same route.

Her parents fought a lot, so. She'd come over to my place when they got violent, I'd make dinner, put on music. We would pass out on the couch beside each other watching TV. It was like... for a while we carved out this little piece of happiness even though things were miserable. Everything else was fucked and stayed that way even when we got into high school, but we had each other.

That must sound sappy as hell.

Wow. That really is amazing! I'll have to keep it in mind for later to research.

[But for now, she was more interested in learning about the beginning of his love story with his now decease girlfriend and mother of his unborn child. She couldn't help notice details she had suspected over his world being unstable. It may not be as extreme as Yuu's situation, but it was an unbalance situation regarding peace.

She'll remain silent throughout the story. Only her reactions through her face will be seen in certain parts. Like, a bright smile whenever he mentioned the bond between him and Emily, indignation over being snubbed by the older kids, and amazement by their intelligence.

A soft shake of her head will be given at his final declaration.]

I don't think it is! It sounds like a really sweet story. A good beginning in establishing a romantic relationship and powerful bond with someone. You're really lucky to have found your other half. Someone to connect in such a deep way from so early on. It's...really rare to find, I think.

Emily was a rare kind of person. She just wanted things to be better and for people to be happy, and she loved literature because it moved people. We used to argue about different characters and who we thought was in the right or in the wrong and there was never anybody she couldn't find some sympathy for. She made me believe there were good people out there in the world. That things weren't always going to be as miserable as they were.

I... I didn't deal with it really well, when she died. I kept putting myself in situations where I might get killed because I didn't really want to be alive all that much anymore. Whatever good there was in me, it died when she did.

That's understandable.

[His story really was beginning to remind her of Livius and his own reaction to his mother's death. It may not be the same type of relationship, but it was clear Emily was the light of his world as much as Sheila was Livius's.]

Emily was someone very important to you. She was your other half, after all. To lose someone so suddenly is traumatizing. It's awful. Beyond painful too. [There will be a slight pause as she thinks about her next thought.] It's normal to feel the way you do. In not wanting to live any longer, but...what do you think she would feel about that? Knowing you don't want to go on without her?

Considering some of her last words to me were 'promise me you won't torture yourself'? I'm guessin' she'd be exhausted with my inability to move the fuck on already. I tried. I thought - I thought hauling the people responsible in, making them face legal recourse for what they did, I thought that'd be the key. That I'd do it and be able to get on with my life once the score was even and the danger was off the streets. But...

[But when it was all said and done it felt, if anything, worse than ever. There was no future, no goals to achieve, no one to turn to, absolutely nothing left when he was done. He had found himself alone, agonizing, angry and out of ways to get back at people. The one person he wanted to get back at most, hated most, was himself for not somehow keeping her safe.

Emily had known he wouldn't last without her, but even at her request, even to save himself, he couldn't let her go.]

[Nike couldn't help allow a bittersweet smile appear on her lips as she says.]

Good job in helping getting those responsible off the street. I'm sure she'd be able to rest more peacefully at the thought they won't return to harm you or anyone else again.

[Revenge wasn't an issue she ran away from. She was a vengeful person in her own right. She only hopes he didn't kill them. But, at the same time, she won't pry over that detail as she rather believe in the positives to his success.]

Moving on is tough. I don't blame you for not doing that just yet. All I can say is to give it time. Everyone is different. There's no shame in being unable to let go. [All said softly until a determine frown appear as she points at him.] However, you are in no way allowed to get yourself killed any time soon! You need to live as her legacy! I bet Emily would never forgive you if you just gave up on life and allow others to do whatever they want with you. I know I wouldn't forgive Livius if he ever decided to fall back on his old ways too! I'll haunt him and bring him to hell if he ever tries!

[With that said, she will smile a bit again.]

So do your best here! I know I'll be keeping an eye on you. No way in hell I'm letting any of my friends die without giving their all to survive!

They're all staring down long prison sentences. Plus some grievous injuries, but I didn't inflict those. A skirmish broke out between the two gangs and I didn't have time, ability or interest in stopping it.

[It sounds cruel, but at the time he'd just been panicking. A locked down building with a gunfight going on, on both floors, and him in the basement? He was only human, he cut and ran and let things shake out however they shook out.]

I got here three weeks after she died. All I remember is the investigation, and feeling tired, and getting into fights. I never got to see the funeral or listen to our song - yeah, laugh it up, we were one of those cheesy couples that had one, sue me - or even talk to her parents. I - I wake up sometimes thinking it's back before any of this happened. When it hits me it feels like someone took a knife and scraped my heart raw.

I dunno how to be anybody's legacy. I don't even know how to be alone decently. Nobody I cared about ever died before. Might as well ask me to go catch the moon for all I know about this. Probably'd have a better chance of success, too.

I don't think there's anything cheesy over having a song. It's kinda sweet, actually.

[All said sincerely as she can't help remember the half rainbow engagement ring Livius and her share. That could be considered more sappy than a simple song, right?]

Then consider it a learning experience. There's a first time for everything. All the more reason to be...unsure over the best way to react to it all. You don't have to know anything nor everything. What's most important is to live your life the best way you can, even if you never once did so before. Think about Emily -- remember her likes and dislikes, and try your best from there. I'm sure she doesn't expect perfection from you in the slightest.

It would get me laughed outta the room back home if I admitted it. Especially because Em and I would sing bits of it at each other. As stupid as it sounds, when she did it, it was magic. Worse, it's really prophetic in hindsight. I tried listening to it once here and couldn't make it past a minute in.

Oh, she didn't expect perfection, or else she never would've dated me. Or Dode, the guy she dated in the time where we were broken up. She had this way of finding the good in people and giving them the benefit of the doubt when others wouldn't that made guys wanna try to do better for her. I never had anyone believe in me before her. People here treat me decent, but it feels wrong. I don't feel like I really deserve it.

See, I was pretty sure I was gonna die, towards the end of bringing in the people that killed her. I planned to. I was okay with it, 'cause it was for her.

That's kinda rude! Why would they? [Other than jealousy, she figures, but right now she wasn't all that interested in other people.] What was the name of the song?

[She'll continue to listen, learning about his end game, which she is glad didn't happen all things considered, but it was clear he was beyond lost without his goal or wife by his side.]

Well, that is an issue you'll have to work on especially after arriving here where you'll have people treating you well and a future. A lot of people may be able to relate too. Once you decide to talk more about it. Which may be a good idea because doing that does help. Even if for a bit. I bet Emily would definitely want you to do all of the above too. Just take your time with it because three months ago...is still a pretty recent thing.

'Cause it's considered cliche and trite and stupid. [He's not going to pretend it didn't grate on him, but neither did he defend himself in front of other guys back home. He hadn't cared enough to. If Emily liked it, then as far as he was concerned that was the only important thing.] Hair Lockets, by Nicole Dollanganger. Morbid in retrospect, but I swear it was sweet at the time.

Y'know, my housemate told me I should talk to someone? He has some of the bare bones of what happened, since I'm loose-lipped when I'm drunk and I make poor life choices. He didn't really seem to know who I should talk to, though he also agreed it was a fresh wound. I always thought, whenever I read books, that grieving for years sounded counter-intuitive and pathetic. I sort of get it now. It's still pathetic, but it's not easy to get out of, either.

I believe you. I've never heard of those songs before, so I wouldn't know of the type of music they are other than you and Emily's love song. [As for him saying it is considered cliche, trite, and stupid.] Wait until they find their own "Emily". I bet they'll do even more cliche things than you guys did. [Since it usually works that way all thing considering.]

Emotions have a way of making us feel that way: vulnerable. I don't think it should be considered weak unless you don't grow from the experience by allowing your fears to get the better of you. As far as I can tell, you have potential to grow as a stronger person since you're already acknowledging the problem instead of ignoring it. [As for his roommate's advice.] Your roommate is right in having suggested that: finding someone to talk to about this. I think you should find someone you feel comfortable with and in turn are willing to hear you out too. This sort of thing is heavy and not many people are capable of being the rock you need, but I know they are out there.

It's... it's a song about a girl who keeps bits of her boyfriend's hair in a locket so if he dies, she'll always have a piece of him she can keep close. [Which was a bit of an offputting concept to some people, but to Brendan and Emily it had sounded sweet, at the time. Now it was a bitter thing to hear. He'd always assumed that he would be the one more likely to get offed. That was how his luck had always run. The idea of Emily dying had never occurred to him. And he didn't even have a locket with her hair to hold onto in the aftermath.]

I ignore it more often than I should. Sometimes it's just too much to deal with so I just distract myself with anything I can. That way it doesn't feel like the world ended. But much as I've been thinkin' about getting someone to talk to, actually finding someone is harder than it sounds. How do I know I won't overload whoever I tell it all too? Other people have problems and struggles, too, y'know?

CONFESSIONS MEME

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